Are you tired of the patriarchy? The white supremacy? Is Tumblr not enough for you to bleed your heart into? Do those nasty, white, cisgender males show disrespect your pronouns?
Does this quote get you off?:
How about this one?:
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, boy (and excuse me if I just assumed your gender), do we have some tips for you!
How to be a Social Justice Warrior in 5 easy steps
1. DYE. YOUR. HAIR.
Nothing says “Look out, Patriarchy–here I come!” like a nice head of dyed hair. Make your hair stand out from the cis-crowd with your truly mesmerizing locks of dye, inspired by patriarchal, capitalistic oppression. Let every cis-person know of your oppression and your vast array of gender, sexual and racial identities by calmly explaining to them the benefits of social justice and racial and gender equality. Show those abhorrent white males who’s boss with your loud-and-proud hair-do, a sure-fire way to mask your massive insecurities!
2. PUNCH UP
If you’re going to become a Social Justice Warrior, you’re going to have to learn the basics of punching up. What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple, really. Geek Feminism Wikia defines as it as the following:
Punching up is a term for deploying powerful techniques of criticism and rhetoric to critique and dismantle power structures, rather than to harm people disempowered relative to yourself.
This simple idea can be used in several ways, all of which are guaranteed to dismantle systems of oppression in no time!
When Vester Flannigan, a gay black man, shot and killed three white former coworkers , he was simply punching up. You see, Vester had been systematically oppressed. He was fired from his job as a reporter for news station WDBJ in Moneta, Virginia for having “volatile behavior.” What racists! Vester was clearly trying to fight the powers that be at a news station in Virginia, and while his motivations were motivated by race, citing Dylann Roof as motivation for the murders, this was not racist. As a gay black man, Vester had no power to fight against the discrimination he faced in the workplace. His negative attitude at work had absolutely nothing to do with his multiple firings. Now that’s just silly! His negative attitudes towards white people and his victim mentality was an attitude created by years and years of systematic heteronormative, patriarchal, misogynistic, racist oppression. From his years as a small-time child actor and model, to getting a degree in radio and television from San Francisco State University, Vester was clearly an oppressed man, weighed down by his college degree and his oppression.
Vester’s powerful techniques of criticism and rhetoric exposed the power structures of a news station in Montana, making sure not to harm people who were also disempowered–only those who were empowered and priviliged. Now that’s I call punching up!
3. VIEW EVERYTHING THROUGH AN IDEOLOGICAL OR IDENTITY-BASED LENS
With the complexity of the world as it is–misogynistic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic–comes the stark reality that an aspiring Social Justice Warrior cannot go into battle without their handy-dandy lens to ease their thinking. Why take the time and trouble to gather all of the facts and information available on a subject, when you can just start from a preconceived notion or conclusion and find evidence to support your claim? It’s not cherry-picking; it’s efficient!
Are you black? Here’s your black lens. Now you can see all those whities for what they really are: greedy, rich, racist white supremacists. No longer will the white devil enslave you.
A lens is pertinent to remaining objective about the realities disenfranchised classes such as womyn face in a culture which so vehemently victimizes and objectifies them. Men are never victimized or objectified, and you can easily come to this conclusion by putting on your ever valuable ideological lens!
4. ALWAYS REMEMBER THE STACK!
Credit: Misogynist, wife-beater, potential rapist of Labour MP Jess Phillips, Sargon of Akkad
Arguably (but not arguably if you are a cis, white male–ugh, I hate privilege!) one of the most important things about being a Social Justice Warrior is your adherence to The Stack, a ladder of identities which we have decided are the most important to our noble and valiant causes.
Some of those racist, transphobic, sexist, homophobic, ableist, classist people would have you believe that the proper way to run a society would be a society with equal opportunity. Do not worry, brave soldier, for I am here to guide you. The notion of equal opportunity is silly and indefensible, and only the privileged would want people to be seen as equals, for then it is much, much easier for them to divide you. Only a society based on equal outcomes truly makes sense. Meritocracy is a tool used by the elite to disenfranchise those of us who wish to undermine its core values of hard work, intelligence and skill. These three things are nothing but myths passed down from one misogynist cis, white male to another.
If you are a white person, I would also require of you a constant feeling of inequity in regards to your black brethren. I expect a certain level of shame to emanate from your white, ghost-like epidermis at all times. If you are white, you are racist. That is not up for debate. It simply isn’t. You were a slave-master; an oppressor, and no amount of white guilt can truly make up for that. That is why our black overlords will lead the way to a truly equal society, one of racial equality, diversity and black supremacy. After all, black supremacy is just a reaction to white supremacy!
5. BECOME UNEMPLOYED
Finally, the final step for any budding Social Justice Warrior to rise from apprentice to master is to fight the capitalist system by becoming unemployed. From the outside looking in, it appears that you’re a deadbeat; a slob; a miscreant; but it’s not true. You’re are doing the noble cause of fighting the capitalist system by actively protesting against it, and as you sit on your couch manufactured in China, wear your clothes sewn by child slaves in Africa and tweet your brilliant Marx-influenced ideas out to the world via Twitter on your iPhone, you are fighting the capitalist system. You fight fat-shaming as well: You wear the tightest clothes possible on your morbidly obese body to make sure every inch of it is known to the world, and that you are proud of your body!
“Real womyn have curves” is a thing you say to yourself in the mirror each morning, after you’ve just finished flagellating yourself with a whip, punishing yourself for all the things your white ancestors have done (Good job!).
Your parents may blame you for your misfortunes.
Your mother says, “You called your boss a misogynist for holding the door open for you. You then slapped him in his face, you idiot!”
You say, “You just don’t understand me, Mom! I’m fighting capitalism!”
As you go to Wal-Mart with your food stamps, you feel shame.
“I could get a well-paid job. I went to college for four years–at Harvard of all places! My Gender Studies degree hasn’t helped me like Anita told me it would!”
You shrug it off, though. You tell yourself, “That’s exactly what the patriarchy would want you to think. You are a strong, independent, rainbow-haired, polyamorous
, gender-queer, transracial womyn, and no one, especially capitalist scum, is going to tell you what to do. Marx disproved capitalism years ago!”
You tell yourself this and waddle into Wal-Mart,hop onto one of their motorized scooters, and begin your shopping spree, indulging in one of the few parts of capitalism you can stand: copious amounts of food.
If you complete each and every one of these steps, you’ll become bullied on the internet in no time. Maybe the media will elevate you to stardom. Some will say that you’re a professional victim, but that’s what supporters of the patriarchy would say! Good luck–sausage fingers, don’t fail you now!